[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Always 🥴
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*