I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My dating profile:
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁