Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me after drinking all the wine:
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.