Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
dream blunt rotation
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.