My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
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Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…