Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Look at this
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!