Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?