Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )