Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor