I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
We need more people like this.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Always leave them wanting their money back.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.