Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
They must have gotten it to go.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.