I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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This classic never gets old . . .
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry