“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Do not steal food from the science building!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”