She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
groan^2
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops