my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
You Might Also Like
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me recordaron éste meme
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.