Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
As the Lord intended
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*puts my mental health in rice
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.