What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You Might Also Like
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.