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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I need a headline like this
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what