does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
opening twitter today
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
This hospital has everything
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
There is no “we” in chocolate.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A drum solo but on your face.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.