Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
One venti cheeseburger please.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets