a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.