one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*limbos away from your hug*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!