How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag