AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The glockness monster