At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Previously On Persistence 😎
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.