Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard