if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip