When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My birth announcement for our third baby
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties