Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
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NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I found your tweet-up…
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.