Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I laughed at this way too hard.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.