SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
i meant to share this earlier
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off