Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A man of commitment.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My dating profile:
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory