I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
No regrets in 2018
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.