[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You Might Also Like
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’d use my best pan on you.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.