Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Challenge accepted.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I love you…
…r dog.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.