For the baby who has everything
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*praying for world peace*
God:
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”