“no gods no masters” = leo
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Raisins are grape jerky.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”