Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?