i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Every work call, he judges.