Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.