How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.