No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
You Might Also Like
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.