“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.