*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
You Might Also Like
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
🤣✨#caturday
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.