I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“HELP WITH CAT”