“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
You Might Also Like
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them