I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”