I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
doing your own taxes
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.