“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Happy thanksgiving
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*