Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police